We know….we know how dark it has been this winter and how miserable you’ve been.  If you have been in Chicago, its been especially hard.  We were just rated the 10th most miserable city in the country and if you are reading this elsewhere, then you are probably living in one of the 0ther 9 top contenders.  Probably Cleveland.  No matter what songs say, Cleveland sucks.

And for months now you have been checking this website for a little escapism.  A place to get away to.  A place where you can live amongst Vampires and Zombie Chefs, like we all dream of doing.  But recently these dreams have gone stale.  The Zombie just makes shake n’ bake for you now and you’ve now seen the elusive Vampires and they look like a stupid creature from Doctor Who.

You need something new to light your candle, wet your whistle, skin your grandmother and other such things!  Well, you are in luck!  LONG PORK HAS A NEW VIDEO!!! Yeppers  you read correctly (Unless you are dyslexic then instead read this: LONG PORK VIDEO NEW A HAS)!!!!  Great all on the same page now?!?

Check out our newest creation Greensleeves. This is the planting show everyone wishes was on thier local PBS station, because we all have planting show wishes that go year after year without being fulfilled.

So here you go!  Have fun!  And kiss your mom for us and apologize to her for that grandmother thing we said…

HOLY SMOKING POPES!! We will be apart of the 9th Annual San Francisco Comedy Festival!! DELICIOUS!

BOING!! BOUNCY! BOUNCY!! BOU-BOUNCY! BOUNCY!!! BOU-BOU-BOUNCY! BOUNCY!!!

We’ll stop bouncing off the walls before we continue.

BOUNCY! Bouncy. Bou-bouncy. boing… boing… and done.

Okay. All done.

Whew.

Now we should start packing our bags and looking for flights. Oh, well, the festival is a little ways off so… we’ll unpack our bags and refrain from packing until a more appropriate date. Let’s look at sometime early January for packing. However we’ll need to go back in time and tell our past selves to book flights well in advance so as to get the best rates possible for interstate travel.

Book early. Pack late. That’s our motto.

Although, we also have some other pretty sweet motto’s. Like: “Take it to the limit or don’t take it at all” or, “I asked for clogs on this trout, not lemon butter”.

At any rate, this is a very exciting time and we could not be more thrilled to be apart of it.

BOUNCY!

Stopping.

For festival and ticket information, please follow this link: SF Sketchfest 2010!

HAPPY FOURTH NIGHT OF HANUKKAH, PRETTY PEOPLE!

Hello Pretty People,

Our friends at Bughouse Theater have graciously invited us to show a video at their monthly “BugHouse Short Film Contest!”.

Last time we showed “VAMPIRES:THE MOVIE” and won second place.

This time we are showing “ZOMBIE CHEF”! I have a sneaking suspicion that this time the crowd will favor us even more because everyone loves Christmas!

What? —innocent look

That doesn’t make sense to you? Zombies. Christmas. Hello? It’s like peanut butter & chocolate. Their perfect together! Come on… I’m… I’m not alone on this.

Guys, back me up.

crickets… crickets…

Guys?

crickets…

WELL, enough jabber from me– ON TO THE DETAILS:

The Upstairs of Mullen’s Bar & Grill in Wrigleyville
[3527 N. Clark Street Chicago, Illinois 60657– call for more info. (773) 325-2319]
Tickets are $10
Doors open at 8:00PM.

The price you pay at the door goes to help Bughouse Theater raise money to get their own space.
Oh, what is BugHouse Theater, you ask? Well, BugHouse Theater is an up-and-coming theater company here in Chicago that may or may not love us enough to put some of our own shows up someday.

—PUPPY EYES, give them the PUPPY EYES—

To find out more check out www.bughousetheater.com.

So come out and have some fun, drinks, and laughs with us at Mullen’s.

Until next time– Much love.

Hello Pretty People,

Voting is over for the Chicago Metromix “So You Think You Can Funny?” Contest.

We’d like to thank everyone that voted for us and to everyone that voted each day. We really appreciate the love and support. It was really down to the wire. We had a strong lead in the beginning, 13%, eventually dipping down lower and lower. We ended at 7%. Which is amazing when you think about it. A lot of people didn’t even get a percentage.

In short, we feel the love.

Somebody likes us… And it’s you.

And you want to know something… We like you too.

To find out the end-END results, check back on Dec.7th right.

In the meantime, we are working hard on new material, and new video’s, and new words for new. So that way when you come back to visit, you at least know a new word for new.

So, get ready for some more tasty Long Pork!

Hello Pretty People!

It’s time to vote for the funniest video in the “So You Think You Can Funny?” Contest for The Second City & Metromix Chicago!

Exciting! Dangerous! Wondrous! We are really exhilarated to be in the running and now we need your votes to be in the Top 5. We’d love to be in the top 5 (who wouldn’t?) and be seen by a panel of Second City alumnus — Fred Willard, Rachel Dratch, Jeff Garlin and Mick Napier!

It goes without saying, but sometimes it’s nice to say, how much we love all of you for the support you give to us.

We would also like to give a shout out to our man, Zoran Gvojic, for his video “Cell Phone P.S.A.“, which is great. So, on the off chance you don’t love “Vampires: The Movie“, at least your vote can go to one of The Gentlemen.

But, as much as we love Zoran, vote for “Vampires: The Movie“.

So to recap:
Vote for “Vampires: The Movie“.
We love Zoran.
Oh, and vote for “Vampires: The Movie” and show The Gentlemen of Long Pork some love!

Your Friends,
The Gentlemen

Well, pretty people, we did it.

We have been accepted into the ninth annual largest sketch-comedy festival in the country! YES! JOY!! BOOYAH!!!

Now comes the tough part: What to wear? Because we don’t want to show up in the same outfits we wore before. We have to out do ourselves. We have to stand out. We need to sparkle like vampires in the sun. Diamond skin. We know we have a few things laying around but, everything looks so, festive. It’s as if everything we own makes us look like we are going to a party, or a wedding. We haven’t been to a party, or a wedding for that matter, in hours.

Should we wear these black suits, with those pink shirts, and red ties?

Mmmmm, no, no.

Maybe these black suits, with those pink shirts, and red ties?

Eeeeeee, nah, no, nope.

Ah-HA!

We’ll wear these black SUITS, with those pink SHIRTS, and red TIEZ!

FRAK YES!

Now we are cooking with a very unstable chemical that is on fire! That “Z” really helped. I love that letter sometimes.

For festival and ticket information, please visit Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival.

Hmmm, now to figure out which black shoez to wear…

Ha, there it is again.

Edgey.

Hello Lovers,

So as you might have guessed from the title of this post, Long Pork won second place.  “At what!?!” you may ask.  Maybe a free flow dancing contest, a how much weight do you lose after taking a dump contest, or even a which is better: Apple, Microsoft, or Long Pork contest.  Well it was none of those!  I’ll tell you what it was right (BANG!)….

I’m sorry to interrupt this blog message, but that man had to die.  He was evil and didn’t deserve to live, but now he has left us with an unfortunate cliff hanger.  What could Long Pork have possible won second place in?  Maybe it was (BANG!)….(BANG, BANG,BANG!).

Sorry everyone, I’m not dead as you originally thought.  I was only faking it until my evil twin Philip took his attention off me.  As I was saying:

LONG PORK took second in the first monthly “BugHouse Short Film Contest!”.  “Vampires: The Movie” came in a close second (the other film had more people there to vote).  We are super proud of our little film and it’s writer, our amazing Zack. 

Oh what is BugHouse?  BugHouse is an up-and-coming theatre here in Chicago.  It’s a great project that everyone should get behind.  To find out more check out www.bughousetheater.com.

Also, look out for “Vampires” to make it’s way into a certain Second City contest for short films (more to be announced soon)!

And lastly, if you stubbled upon this posting and it’s still Friday, November 6th before 10pm and you are looking for some entertainment, LP’s very own Charley Carroll will be performing in “Co-ed Prison Sluts!” at the Annoyance Theatre in Uptown tonight.  Go listen to him sing the high notes and croon the low notes, vibrating all the right bones in your body.

Oh yes, and the $5,000,000 dollars that LP stole from the bank is buried right over at 222 M (BANG!)

LP

Pretty self explanatory, Zoran’s got some good stuff in the works for Long Pork in the future as well… or so he says.

So far the most exciting thing of the Month of October, has to be our new material.  But, you say to yourself, it’s not October yet…..that’s how good this new material is.  It went into the future and secured the top spot in all of our future hearts.

Bullshit you say?  Well, you won’t say that next month.  That’s right!  The new material told us that next month your new favorite word will be spluge.

Spluge you say?  No…don’t say it yet.  Save it for October.

Rehearsal this week was a riot.  All we did was laugh and laugh and laugh…till Zack killed the kitten snuggling too hard.  Then Lee cussed  because he doesn’t own a videogame console but wants to play as Batman, Seth played NHL 2010 in protest of the feline violence, Zoran secretly beat Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 without Charley, Charley secretly beat Zoran’s rugs in the back yard with out Zoran knowing (C’s a clean freak), and Zack just kept performing small animal CPR and crying (Zack doesn’t really play video games).

Overall, it was a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.  With Super Fudge….and Bunicula.

So, now I bet you can’t wait to hear the new material. huh?!?

In the attempt to keep people updated with the goings on of the L Porkers, we just wanted to let everyone know where they can find us at any given moment of the day!

Charley will be performing in the last performance of “Scientology: the (unauthorized) Musical” at the Annoyance theatre.  The show is this Saturday (Sept 12) at 8pm and tickets can be purchased on the cheap at www.Goldstar.com or regular price by calling 773.561.HONK.

Also, starting later in the month you can find him again at the Annoyance performing in “Splatter Theatre”.  A comedic parody of horror films that is not to be missed.

Of course you can always find Zoran at www.lowcarbcomedy.com(and sometimes Charley and Lee too), Seth can be found at your local Pop-eye’s Chicken, and Zack is still quiet…..suspiciously quiet. 

Don’t watch this! Seacrest out!